Unfinished: Chapter One

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You’re just an illusion…

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“Hey,” I murmured softly. “I’m sorry I’m late.”

There was no answer, not that I was expecting one, but I just smiled and set about unpacking my bag. “It’s awfully quiet today,” I said as I knelt on the stone steps. “I thought I’d see a lot more people on my way here. Has anyone else come to visit you?”

Again, silence was my only reply, but it didn’t deter me. It never did. Instead, I glanced around to search for any additional candles and pictures that’d been left behind. Everything looked the same as it had last week, but I knew I would have to check more closely, both for new things and broken ones. “I hope no one’s been bothering you,” I muttered, though I knew how futile that hope was. Someone was always bothering him, and it was beyond frustrating that there was little I could do about it. “Anyway, I brought something I thought you might like. It’s kind of retro, but I think you’ll appreciate it.”

I turned back to my tote bag and carefully sifted through its contents. The snacks I’d thought to bring along had to go, and I put aside the fresh flowers and photos for the moment― I’d find a nice spot to place them later ―before I reached the bottom of the bag and pulled free my small, bright purple boom box.

“What do you think?” I asked as I held it up. “I found this in my closet yesterday. I can’t believe I even still have it, honestly, but I brought some CDs…” With my free hand I fished the two plastic cases out of my tote and looked them over. “How about we start with Mejibray?” I suggested as I popped open my stereo. “After that we’ll listen to the Gazette, but I really want you to hear Mejibray. They’re a relatively new band,” I said while I slid the disc into the player, “but they are amazing.”

Just as I hit play, the shrill ring of my cell phone shattered the surrounding calm and I nearly jumped out of my skin. Pressing a palm to my startled heart, I clumsily fumbled the phone from my pocket and checked the caller ID.

Yukiko-chan.

Oh crap.

I stared at my phone, contemplating what to do. Briefly, I considered not picking up. I already had a vague idea of how our conversation would go, but I knew if I didn’t answer she would keep calling until I did, and if I turned the phone off she was liable to show up at my apartment, which I most definitely did not want. So, really, that left me only the one option.

With a steadying breath, I swiped the screen and prepared for the onslaught. “Hello?”

“Madelyn-chan!” she exclaimed, like we hadn’t seen each other in ages, and I smiled despite myself. “Madelyn-chan, where are you?”

Ah. Right to it, then. “I’m on my way home from work,” I replied lightly. “Why? Did you need something?”

“Well, no,” she said slowly, and I instantly tensed. It was never good news for me when she used that tone. “No. I wanted to surprise you at work, but I guess I just missed you.”

“Oh, I’m sorry―”

“When will you be home?” she cut in. “I’d like to stop by―”

“Um, now’s not the best time,” I interrupted hastily. “I have some errands to run and I probably won’t be finished until late tonight, but maybe we could get together this weekend?”

Yukiko huffed and I could practically feel her pout from over the phone. “What errands could possibly take that long?”

 “Erm…” I hurriedly wracked my brain for a plausible response. Being totally honest was out of the question. There was absolutely no doubt in my mind that she would freak if I told her where I really was, so I decided to fudge the truth a bit instead of outright lying. “You know, the usual,” I finally said. “I need groceries, fish food, and I was planning on picking up the new Nocturnal Bloodlust CD. Plus I’ve got some transcripts I have to finish for work, so I don’t have much time for anything else tonight, but I’m free tomorrow. Want to make plans?”

There was a heavy pause from her end of the line. Then, “Madelyn,” she said, sounding only a tad too chipper, “I thought we discussed going to the park.”

My pulse leapt. Shit.

She knew. Of course she knew, she always knew. I closed my eyes and sighed. There was no point denying anything now. “Yukiko―”

“You lied to me,” she hissed.

“I did no such thing,” I shot back. “I knew you would throw a fit if I told you where I was, and I didn’t want to fight again―”

“We wouldn’t fight if you would just admit you have a problem!”

“It isn’t a problem just because you don’t understand it, Yukiko!” I spat. “And you never will understand, no matter how hard I try to explain, so stop letting it bother you. There’s nothing wrong―”

“Oh no,” she argued. “Don’t you dare say there’s nothing wrong with this, Madelyn!”

“There isn’t―”

“How many times have you been this week?” she demanded abruptly. When I didn’t immediately answer, an odd sort of growling sound came from her throat. “How many?!”

Anger seared through my body, and my temper boiled over before I could get a handle on it. “That’s actually none of your business,” I snapped. “I think you need to remember that you’re my friend, not my mother. I don’t owe you any explanations, and I certainly don’t need your permission or approval for the things I do. If you have issues with that, then don’t bother calling me anymore.”

An incredulous, choked kind of noise sputtered over the phone. “Hold on a second―”

“But if you’re done attacking me,” I spat, “I’m busy, and I’d like to get home before dark, so please go harass someone else.”

“Wait, Madelyn!”

And I hung up on her.

With my heart thumping furiously, I switched off my cell and tucked it into my purse. A multitude of thoughts raced through my mind, and I had the distinct feeling I was going to regret that conversation in the near future, but at the moment I really couldn’t bring myself to care. On any other given day I loved Yukiko to pieces, but she just didn’t know when to leave well enough alone. I understood where she was coming from― I couldn’t begin to imagine what this bizarre situation I found myself in was like from the outside looking in. However, just because it was strange didn’t mean it was wrong and, after over a year of her nagging, I was officially out of patience.

Shaking my head, I stood and brushed my hair from my eyes. Yukiko could rant and rave all she wanted; I refused to let her get to me, especially today. Besides, I thought bitterly as I retrieved my flowers and photos, how can she act like I’m crazy when this is where we met?

“Ridiculous,” I fumed. She was such a hypocrite it was laughable.

Expelling a weary sigh, I shook off all my dark thoughts and focused on what I was here for. I didn’t have much time― the sun was already beginning to set ―but I was determined to make the best of what I had left. So, with this thought in mind, I swiftly gathered up my now-silent stereo and trekked up the steps.

“Ready for the GazettE?” I asked as I reached the top of the stairs. I set the boom box beside me and then plopped rather ungracefully down next to it. I hastily fished the CD cases from my bag and exchanged the discs. "Let's start with... this one."

Calm Envy washed over me, and I felt my body go lax. If one thing never failed to make me feel better, it was the GazettE. With my mood marginally improved, I crossed my legs and made myself as comfortable as possible. And then I started my favorite part of the whole week: talking.

I launched into everything I’d done or seen since the last time I’d come by the previous Thursday. I told him about the new bookstore I’d discovered, a sweet older lady who’d given me handmade onigiri, and even the second goldfish I’d added to my fish tank and named Paulie. I told him about the shy, somewhat awkward boy who’d asked for my number at a bus stop (and who I’d let down gently― he couldn’t have been more than fourteen) and I told him my plans for the upcoming holidays. Anything that came to mind, I said with no hesitation.

It was cathartic, in a way, to just let the words spill forth without having to put too much thought into them. And, though I had no way of knowing, I liked to think that he might enjoy our talks as much as I did.

But, before long, I realized the late hour. I knew the guard, Masayoshi, would be by soon as he checked to ensure the park was empty so I stood, very reluctantly, and strode forward with the gifts I’d brought in hand.

The lilies I held had been a rare find, and I arranged them artfully among the many other flowers. They wouldn’t last in the cold, but for the time being they looked rather exotic among the roses and carnations I usually found here. Next, I set up the two picture frames I’d designed myself and then, once finished, I stepped back with a low sigh.

“Well,” I said somewhat sadly. “I guess that’s it.”

Leaving was always hard for me, and today was going to be particularly difficult. I bent to repack my tote bag as I tried to ignore the weird ache in my chest. After fiddling lamely with the straps, I finally swung the sack over my shoulder and tucked away my hair in an unconsciously nervous gesture. “I hope you like them,” I said at last. “I―”

Thunder suddenly sounded in the distance, and I involuntarily jerked when lightning split the dark clouds in the west. Taking that as a cue to be on my way, I resituated my bag and, very carefully, rested a palm against the smooth stone I faced. “I’ll see you next week,” I promised. “Maybe even Sunday if I can.”

As always, there was no reply.

I lingered for a moment, inexplicably compelled to stay, but the threat of a storm eventually urged my feet to move. With my throat tight, I gave him one final smile as I pulled away.

“Bye Hide,” I murmured gently. “Happy birthday.”

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I was in the middle of finishing my transcripts when the power went out.

In all honesty I was surprised it hadn’t happened sooner. What had once been a thunderstorm had swelled into a violent tempest by the time I’d arrived home, soaked to the skin and shivering. After feeding my two fish I’d wasted no time changing into dry clothes and cranking the heat on before swathing myself in a blanket in an attempt to ward off the chill. And then, once I was comfortable, I’d remembered my half-finished work.

Now I sat in the dark, staring blankly at the pages I’d been writing as the interview tape played in my ear. Rumbling thunder shook the window panes above my writing desk and I whipped off my headphones, exasperated. The transcripts could wait. Presently I was much more interested in finding some dinner and crawling into bed to wait out the weather. I flipped my recorder off and headed towards the kitchen, using the wall as a guide, and a few moments later I had my leftover takeout in hand and was stumbling along back into the living room when my foot collided painfully with something hard and metallic.

“Eeeyah!” I pitched forward roughly onto my knees and barely kept from sprawling across the floor. Thoroughly annoyed, (and now with aching kneecaps) I pushed myself upright and groped around blindly, searching for what I’d tripped over. I’ve got to invest in some flashlights, I thought crossly. Trying to navigate your apartment in the dark was a lot more hazardous than I’d thought it would be.

Fabric grazed my fingertips, and I immediately latched onto it. However, as I dragged it across the wood, it didn’t take long for me to realize it was the bag I’d taken to the park, which still had my old stereo in it. I vaguely recalled dropping the bag rather unceremoniously as I’d raced to find clean clothes and rolled my eyes. “Mystery solved,” I muttered. “I suppose that’s what I get for being lazy.”

In my irritation, I yanked forcefully at the bag and sent it skittering towards my bedroom on accident. At the same time, I heard something smaller bounce along the floor and exhaled heavily in frustration. Great. Whatever that had been, I’d probably just smashed it into a billion pieces.

Today is just not my day.

Standing cautiously, I started to probe around with my foot and, to my relief, soon felt my phone underneath my toes. I swiped it up quickly and proceeded to my room― with no further injuries, thank goodness ―where I sank happily onto the bed. “Finally,” I breathed. Now I could take a minute to unwind and enjoy my dinner.

As I dug into the Thai food I’d ordered yesterday, I unthinkingly went to check the time on my cell and frowned when the screen remained black. But then I remembered…

Shit. I didn’t even want to think about how many missed calls I probably had from Yukiko, or the voicemails. I cringed slightly and set my phone aside. There was no way I was dealing with any more of that tonight. I could only take so much of her harping, and I had already reached my daily limit.

I groaned and plastered a palm over my face. When had our friendship become this warped, toxic… thing?

You know when, an inner voice chided, and you know why.

I scowled fiercely. Oh yes, I definitely knew. Yukiko reminded me every chance she got.

Hide…

It was because of him that Yukiko thought I’d gone off the deep end. She didn’t like that I visited him. She didn’t like that I talked to him. She didn’t like that I― in her words ―obsessed over him. That I obsessed over his death.

My scowl deepened. Obsessed was putting it a little too strongly, but the circumstances of Hide’s death had left so many questions and so few answers. The theories behind it were nearly endless and I was admittedly fixated, but it wasn’t the fixation of a grief-stricken, fanatical groupie. It was… more.

I wasn’t just some fan girl who couldn’t let go of the past, and Yukiko knew that. She knew that I’d gone about everything backwards, that it wasn’t the music that originally encouraged me to learn more about X JAPAN, but Hide’s seemingly unresolved passing. When I’d moved to Japan four years ago, I’d been swept up into the visual kei scene almost immediately. It wasn’t long before I was completely immersed in it, and it was then when I’d learned of Hide's tragic so-called suicide.

At first, I’d only felt a kind of sympathetic sadness for the loss of one of Japan’s most influential musical figures, along with genuine compassion. Suicide had always been a sensitive subject for me and, even though I wasn’t familiar with Hide or X JAPAN at the time, his death had struck a definite chord with me.

But then… to find out it was most likely accidental…

It was devastating.

There was no other word for it. I’d nearly driven myself insane wondering what his last moments were like, if he’d simply passed out while stretching the muscles in his back or if, in his alcohol-induced stupor, he’d realized what was happening and had tried to save himself. Or if, God-forbid, it really hadn’t been an accident at all, but murder…  I shuddered. Don’t go there again, Madelyn. 

To put it plainly, my heart had broken for him, and it was then when my trips to Hide’s grave began. It was the only way I could get any kind of peace. It was only when I was there, in Miura Reien, that the suffocating heaviness in my chest eased and the… I would almost call it guilt, dissipated. And it was this that Yukiko could not understand.

Though, to be fair, it was something I scarcely understood myself. A total stranger’s death shouldn’t have affected me so acutely, regardless of the way they had passed. It was obvious Yukiko felt the same and, after a while, she had no bones about letting me know it.

You act like he died yesterday, she’d said when I had tried to explain my odd feelings concerning Hide. He’s been gone for sixteen years, Madelyn, and it's not like you knew him. Get over it.

Old hurt welled up in my chest, and I attacked my food viciously with my spoon. “If only it were that easy,” I muttered.

My head churning with turbulent thoughts, I finished my meal in a distracted sort of daze and ambled to the bathroom after throwing out the container. Once done with my evening ablutions, I returned to the bed and sat, staring unseeingly at the rain pounding against the windows.

I was tired. I was tired of Yukiko’s attitude. I was tired of driving myself crazy. I was tired from running home through a veritable hurricane. I was just… tired.

The back of my skull throbbed as if in agreement, and I sighed before retreating under the covers of my bed. For a while I lay there, willing sleep to come, dreading the moment it did. I squeezed my eyes shut tight, hoping, praying…

No nightmares tonight, please…

I clutched the comforter closer as the wind howled outside and forced myself to relax. But as the storm seemed to reach its zenith, a tingling, all-encompassing heaviness settled over my body, like the air itself was weighted down and thrumming with energy. And, unbidden, memories began to form behind my closed lids.

Lead guitarist dies…

My breath caught. Oh god, please no.

Found hanged by a towel…

I could see it, in my mind’s eye, and I vehemently shook the image away. I didn’t want to do this to myself again, but I felt like I almost had no control over it.

Apparent suicide…

I pressed my face into the pillow as frustrated tears burned my throat. It wasn’t, I contradicted silently. If there was one thing I was sure of, his death had not been a suicide. Nothing anyone ever said or anything I ever read would convince me otherwise. I would never, ever believe Hide had willingly taken his own life.

And I wished, not for the first time, that someone could have saved him.

But these reflections, like usual, only served to exhaust me further. My head still pulsed painfully, and I finally forcibly removed all thoughts of Hide and took a deep, cleansing breath. That strange heaviness blanketed over me once again, and it, coupled with my sleepiness, soon had me drifting off into that place between dreaming and waking.

 Just sleep, I told myself firmly. For one night, let go and try to get some actual rest. Another wave of lethargy swept over me, and, at last, I allowed myself to be pulled under with the hope that I would feel better in the morning.

If only I had known what the morning would bring… 

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A/N: Sooo.... this is my first ever visual kei fanfiction. I write and post a lot over on Fanfiction.Net, but writing about real people is a definite first for me. That being said, this is not really the best thing I've ever written, but in my defense I wrote this chapter very quickly and didn't do nearly as much editing and proofing as I usually do. The rest of the story will probably be the same, since I'm trying to have the whole thing done within one month (which is most likely not going to happen: this work is going to be a lot longer than I initially thought, but a girl can dream).

Anyway, I really hope you all enjoyed this first chapter! Please, please let me know what you think. You guys really have no idea how anxious I am about this. This is such a sensitive subject to write about and I want to do as good a job as I can, so if you want to leave polite, constructive criticism, please do :)

I'll have the next chapter up as soon as I possibly can!

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